We can stop counting now.

I'll open with a definition:

Indifference -/inˈdif(ə)rəns/ - lack of interest, concern, or sympathy.

A(n) serious issue I run into constantly in my life is having high expectations of people, in the moral, emotional, reliable, and supportive spectrum. I am consistently disappointed and surprisingly hurt when time after time with memory banks akin to a goldfish someone drops the ball, anvil, or axe and fails to meet some false deity like institution of hope on my part. It's difficult to believe that they are capable of being bankrupt of camaraderie, morality, or something like calling you while you are sitting on the plane taxiing to the runway on the flight home from Hawaii to tell you that "your car (that was never supposed to actually be driven as it was parked quietly at home) somehow has 2 flat rear tires and don't worry about it, it will get dealt with tomorrow," so you spend the entire flight home seething, eating Maui Onion chips as loudly as possible, and your girlfriend is rubbing your arm to try and stop you from opening the emergency exit (which is impossible to do mid flight, look that shit up. I'm not joking.) and saying FUUUuuuuuuuuckkk it.

Then upon arrival home, the next phone call with the betraying party is an overtly defensive posturing of hiding deeper truths about the situation, and culminates in them shoving all in, and telling you that you can pick up the car and deal with it because Fuck You*.

The sort of simple expectations someone should have about their possessions not being obliterated, inaccurate portrayals of situations and moral character, loyalty because of relation and not being a fucking snitch at the first sign of possible social or parental favor available upon doing so, is not a privilege I had with a sibling. I was raised by sociopaths and adjacent to one in the making. I didn't know that your sibling was anything but actual competition for resources and a long running plot device in your life's narrative that tries to humiliate, belittle, and run a long play narrative that you're "the special older brother". Do you know how fucking hard it is to work your way out of the narrative that you're basically retarded and can't fend for yourself and what separates you from having a body count in a public mall is medication?

It's pretty fucking hard, ok.

Mental health issues and stigma are a pretty juicy blog entry for a later date, and I am honestly morally bankrupt when it comes to opportunistic attention seeking internet behavior, so we'll skip right over that.**

My Dad did this thing where he tried to play us against each other in a positive fashion. "You are your brother's keeper" was some backwards lesson he thought would reduce his need to parent as we could be a self regulating mechanism for one another. Spoiler: You can create the Stanford Prison Experiment with only two children. This circular tragic comedy of my expectations that maybe someone would be different this one time and things would be

Totally Fucking Awesome*** was and is still a consistent let down.

The hard reality that is setting in during this exercise in writing is, that throughout my life I want to see the inherent good and positive in people, as you are dutifully taught in every possible paradigm and manner possible by the train wreck of a public school teacher that fate rolled a big fat 1 on a D20 for fourth grade. This brings me to our definition, which is a new skill I am learning. "Accept the things you cannot change" is a beautiful blanket statement safe sentence we all really have the feelgoods hearing. I actually have to say this in my head repeatedly day in and day out now to get a mental callous strong enough to maintain indifference to the toxic wasteland that I now only hear in passing about, as I have literally sawed off my own familial arm with a pocket knife. It fucking hurts, it's raw as hell as it's a new sensation, but holy cow the trajectory of my emotional and mental health is magnitudes higher than I could imagine, and then it dawned on me, I can do this with several other persons, places, and things in my life and HOLY SHIT GUYS, WELL ADJUSTMENT ISLAND IS ON THE HORIZON****.

It's amazing what you can do in a career when you no longer ride the emotional wave of approval, and you're willing to as God Lord Jeff says "disagree and commit". It's amazing what you can do when someone throws some shade across a desk and you laugh it off. It's even more amazing when you hear the psycho babble spoken in hushed tones about you by relatives and indifference is the warm security blanket tucking you in that night.

This is not to be confused with apathy. Apathy is an entirely different situation that I highly recommend diving into whenever someone brings up anything on Tik-Tok, Facebook, Twitter,

or Instagram.*****

*Fuck You is a state of matter, like solid, liquid, or gas, except you could hit the state with a car and you wouldn't blink twice.

**Seriously, this is going to be my magnum opus. I'll get a fucking book deal out of it.

***Totally Fucking Awesome is a state of being, where all chemical emitters in the brain are main lining the good shit.

****There is no island, it's in our hearts, a white ball of healing light. (Thank you Tyler).

*****This also is a later discussion. I'm gonna love the fuck about writing about that.


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